Depression sitting on my chest

Well, crap. My emotions spiraled out of control last night. I didn’t have a melt down, or lash out at innocent husbands or skunks or anything like that, but I felt decidedly blue, the sort of blue that’s free floating and overwhelming. Felt like crying, but not ever to the point of actually doing so, which would have probably been a nice release.

The psychologist in me was like “Well, duh. You’ve had a major life change with the job thing, and your sleeping habits are across the board, what the hell did you expect?”

The bitch.

So yeah, I’m depressed. Not surprised. But well, there it is. I sought comfort from Matthew. He made appropriately sympathetic noises, gave lots of huggins, and made French fries and faux chicken nuggets for dinner. And we bought a half gallon of Breyer’s ice cream because I felt the need to be pampered and indulgent. My hubby is the sweetest. He’s at a loss when I’m like this, but he does try.

Then I tried to get all introspective and figure out what the trigger was. Knowing what pushed me off equilibrium is often the first step I need to take in order to get a handle.

Determined it was a combination of the first, incredibly high COBRA premium payment I sent out in the mail, the rejection from Book of Dark Magic, and the profoundly non-fruitful search I did on craigslist which did not come up with any positions I both want, and that would keep food on the table. I think everything together just strained my psychological stabilizers to the breaking point. Brilliant deduction, I’m stressed about money and the future, and not feeling particularly thick skinned about rejections. Yeah, good use of my graduate degree in psychology. [\sarcasm]

Stupid brain.

Writing Stuff

236-day “enjoyed the story very much, as I have many of your other tales that I have read, but . . . ” from Book of Dark Wisdom.

Today would be a good day to get a phone call from my agent about an offer on my middle-grade novel. *crickets chirping* Well, it would.

Got a note from Nathan of Scrybe Press. Synchronicity. He’s buying advertising in Apex for the same issue that my interview is slated for. He’s going to gear his ad space toward my publications now, which is fantastic. Marketing, rah. Royalty payments = groceries.

Words: 570 on the WIP. Going backward on my productivity numbers, dammit, but hey, here’s a neat little progress bar:

Zokutou word meterZokutou word meter
5,922 / 45,000

Club 100 For Writers


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19 Responses to Depression sitting on my chest

  1. ::hugs::

    Sending warm positive thoughts in your direction.

  2. *briefly walks in, leaves hot green tea, massages Eugies temples a bit, leaves*

  3. horrordiva says:

    Hugs and good thoughts to you sweetie. It’s no wonder you’re in a funk. Just reading over your last couple of weeks on your LJ says a lot!! Conventions, an agent, acceptance, rejections, job stuff, season change, time change, and WHEW!!! The neat thing is…you’re loved by so many, and have lots of support 🙂

  4. gardenwaltz says:

    i hear you, yes you are entitled to take a little downtime. i’m sending you a message from a site called ‘linked in’. it’s a really good professional networking site that might help you get a few good leads. best of luck on the job hunt and the novel.

  5. quiller77 says:

    I’ve read that emotional highs are often followed by lows (something I experienced upon my return from my only trip to Europe). Give yourself some slack. How lovely your hubby is willing to indulge. Hope it all balances out soon.

  6. mroctober says:

    I certainly understand the depression… I’m right there with you. All my good friends have jobs making a lot of money. I have less than 300 dollars in my bank account that has to last the entire year!. All my good friends are in relationships and I have not had a date in almost 4 years and now have terrible anxieties issues. My best friend is a NY Times bestselling author and I cannot get an agent interested in my scribblings or make a real buck at writing.

    You have your hubbie, you have the start of a nice writing career (w/ a serious agent!)… trust me, you are well ahead of most people.

  7. raecarson says:

    Knowing what pushed me off equilibrium is often the first step I need to take in order to get a handle.

    Yeah. Me too. That and the Bryer’s.

    *rubs Eugie’s shoulders*

    I’m sure you’ll get good news soon!

  8. Feel better soon, Eugie. Sending good thoughts your way.

    *hugs* Maggie

  9. kittymel says:

    Yes, the COBRA thing can be extremely depressing, especially for folks like you or I who can’t/shouldn’t go without health insurance or have a lapse in coverage. I found several policies on-line that could be purchased by individuals that were much cheaper, but didn’t have the time to invesitigate them all to see what they actually covered before getting my recent position with insurance. It is outrageous that with COBRA in some cases people pay up to three times the amount they were paying previously for insurance.

    I understand the angst. Glad Matthew was there to be helpful and bring ice cream. Wishing you the best and hoping this doesn’t last long.

  10. palmerwriter says:

    Cheer up, Eugie

    I’m sorry you’re in such a funk as of late, Eugie. If it makes you feel any better, a lot of artists and creative types go through this, myself included (of course, being a psychology major, you already knew this). If I could make a suggestion: Try to get back into a regular sleeping pattern. I think this will help your writing productivity, as well as be a help to you when the job interviews start pouring in.

    On the job front I know how you feel, but I hear it’s getting better than it has been. I’ve never been laid off (I was fired once, from a job I hated anyway, and the next week found my current employment), but I’ve had plenty of dead-end, barely above minimum wage jobs, made all the more hellish by the fact that I have a college degree. I’m still in a position that doesn’t even require a degree, with no opportunity for advancement, flanked by ex-hairdressers and dental hygenists, and a supervisor who until a month ago used the words “no” and “know” interchangeably. You’ve got a Master’s though, so something will turn up. A writer must have patience, grasshopper.

    The point? It’s rough out there, kiddo. And you are ahead of the game in some areas, in my book. I.e. your fiction writing. I’m beginning to think I’ll never sell a word of fiction, which is why I’m branching into corporate writing. Maybe that’s something you could think about as well. In the meantime, get some sleep, eat some ice cream, hug your hubby and your skunk, and your body chemistry should right itself in no time.

  11. *hugs* What everyone else said. Thinking warm thoughts your way.

  12. aimeempayne says:

    I also think the changing seasons can contribute to the doldrums, especially for those of us who suffer any type of allergies. It’s like it takes the body a while to adjust to sunlight and flora again.

  13. cricketshay says:

    *hugs* and just remember you are not alone. We all feel the way you do right now at some point or another. Tomorrow is another day.

  14. nmsunbear says:

    I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so crummy. Isn’t it Hobkin’s job to kep you cheery? That little skunk needs to give you more cuddles, stat!

    Feel better soon.

  15. tstauffer says:

    As soon as I’m over this sinus/ear infection illness I’m dealing with, I’ll come kidnap you and take you to a movie, my treat. 🙂

  16. sonnydenbow says:

    Sorry you’re feeling down. I went through a nasty bout of depression three years ago, so I know exactly how you feel. The real bitch is things will get better, it just may not seem like it right now. Hang in there. As Bogey would say, “We love ya, kid!” And if the Breyer’s doesn’t work, try Ben & Jerry’s.

  17. sonnydenbow says:

    Oh, I forgot to say – very cool word meter. You have the neatest toys!

  18. dean13 says:

    COBRA is damned expensive. I used it when I got laid off in the mid 90’s. But I, being relatively healthy, could and did let it lapse. Picking up basic HMO coverage was much cheaper. I wasn’t unemployed for very long. I got another job in 2 months. It seems so much easier to get a job back then. Today’s job market is VERY depressing.

    You are in a tough, challenging situation. Give your brain a break. As an expert in being depressed, I suggest eating lots of things that you like and doing things that you enjoy. Chocolate chip cookies and mint chocolate chip ice cream always have help me.

    Sending you and your main squeeze a big box of hugs. I’d offer you both back rubs, but I don’t know how to do that over the internet. See you both at Dragon*Con. Hmmm… I wonder if I could get out there sooner. I do have an AmericaWest $300 travel voucher which expires in this May. It would be shame to not use it…

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