This morning, driving into work, it was quite dark–a symptom of the various hurricane effects moving through the state. The air was soft and cool, but not cold. Walking from the parking lot to my car, I reveled in the sensuous nature of the wind on my face, streaking through my hair. I found myself dragging my feet, trying to prolong that brief walk for as long as I could. I knew that by the time I emerged from my office again, the air would have changed–become more oppressive or rainier–so the only opportunity I would have to savor that particular feel in the air was then. Throughout the morning, I prairie-dogged my head over my cubicle walls to glance with longing out the bank of windows that line the end of my aisle. Storms are pretty. It was hard sitting at my desk this morning.
I’m having mood issues. It’s like there’s two of me, the emotional part that I can feel in the center of my chest, all weepy and unhappy, and the intellectual part of me that acknowledges that I’m feeling free-floating blueness, and is both annoyed and flummoxed by it. My emotions are flying all over the spectrum with no causal factor to speak of. One moment, I get that heavy ache in my chest that makes me want to cry, and the next moment, I’m fine but troubled by the emotional teeter-totter I appear to be on.
I can’t blame the meds I’m on, particularly. I’m off the Prednisone at long last and just taking Imuran to control my Lupus/MCTD. The Imuran shouldn’t, as far as I’m aware, have mood side effects. So I guess it’s just me. I assume that my irregular sleep habits are playing a large role, but aside from trying to regiment my sleep better, there’s not a lot I can do about them. Matthew suggested that I start doing yoga regularly again, and I agree that that’s an excellent suggestion. But it’s something of a Catch 22. I feel morose, and hence I’m disinclined to engage in any sort of healthful activity.
I assume I’ll feel better in a couple weeks, as these episodes tend to be cyclic, but until then, I’m having a hard time maintaining motivation, much less positive energy levels.
58-day rejection from Story Station. (Herein I make a ridiculously self-evident observation:) Rejection hits me a lot harder when I’m depressed.
I think it might be time to trunk this story. I’ll sit on it for a while, maybe give myself a chance to look it over again, but I suspect its expiration date has passed.
I’m now, for the first time in quite a while, under thirty works in circulation. This doesn’t trouble me. I know of writers who maintain a juggling act of 100+ works out to various markets, and I have no wish to compete with those numbers. The way I figure it, the fewer works I have out, the more I’ve sold, as long I’m still writing new ones. Plus, I’ve got several stories waiting on the sidelines for manuscripts to clear from the Cricket queue. But it did surprise me when I checked my figures. Guess that’s what happens when I make five sales in under a month. Hardly going to furrow my brow over that.
But I am struggling to sustain momentum on the new story I’m working on. 500 new words, and they were uniformly melancholy and did little to further the plot. Not impressive. I don’t think I’m at my writing best right now.
Throughout the morning, I prairie-dogged my head over my cubicle walls to glance with longing out the bank of windows that line the end of my aisle. Storms are pretty. It was hard sitting at my desk this morning.
I’m lucky that there are windows right behind me. I’ve found the rain and the low light levels comforting today.
I’m having mood issues. It’s like there’s two of me, the emotional part that I can feel in the center of my chest, all weepy and unhappy, and the intellectual part of me… My emotions are flying all over the spectrum with no causal factor to speak of.
I’m right there with you, as you know… ‘cept that I don’t really have any “ups.” We need to get more sleep. Let’s start there (assuming Morpheus doesn’t continue to be such a bastard).
Sleep good. Yes. I’m sorely tempted to take a Tylenol PM, or even a Clonazepam tonight to ensure a good sleep. Except medical sleep aides don’t really provide the same quality of sleep that natural slumber does. Of course, I’m not getting that in the first place . . .
no, but sometimes they are effective at providing a ‘reset’ when one is needed.
True. I’m bordering on paranoic when it comes to addictive meds, as I’ve got a very addictive physiology, but sometimes I gotta take meds in order to get better . . . *popping pills*
I think someone needs an ice cream sandwich.
Ooo, ice cream. But we have no ice cream in the house . We do have pie, though . Mmm, blueberry pie for dinner . . .
See there? You already control the means of your own mood-correction.
Sometimes I feel there’s two parts of me also; which is a very strange feeling. I think it may be my pre-seizure mode sending me a message–or something? At least I’m not the only one who gets that feeling.
Yeah, it’s a weird sensation, but I figure I’m in decent shape when I can step back from my weird-ass emotions and acknowledge that they’re biological in nature rather than environmental. For some reason, that helps.
Wish I could send those bouncy smiley faces back to cheer you up, but unfortunately I’m not that computer adept. 😉 Feel better soon.
Thanks, sweetie. It’s the thought that counts, not the graphics!
Sounds like PMS–not sure if you get it or not, but I do every month. lol.
Oh, I get it, and it’s certainly a factor right now, but normally it’s not this severe. *sigh*
>But it’s something of a Catch 22. I feel morose, and hence I’m disinclined to engage in any sort of healthful activity.
I deal with the same thing. I am pretty pissed off at myself for backing out of the drumming workshop with Arvin Scott I signed up for weeks ago. I signed up the very day I learned about it because I thought it would help pull me out of my depression. Then I got really depressed the day of the workshop and cancelled.
Vicious thing, depression is, ain’t it? It works out better when I can schedule things that happen on a regular basis. A lot of time, the sheer routine of it will keep me going since it would require me to make a decisive change in behavior to forgo, but now I can’t get the motivation up to cultivate the habit. Argh. Stupid brain.
I sympathize and hope that you get to feeling less blue soon. Maybe decent sleep will help some, and sunlight. Although the sunlight thing usually makes me more cantankerous than happy.
Oh, I have a front deck, so maybe movie night when I get back from Savannah? 😀
Sunlight + Eugie = Lupus flare-up
Man, I’m just a mess.
But hurray on the new front deck! And yes, a movie night would be lovely.
comments (of course!)
Huh? For some reason I thought you were a full-time writer. Live and learn, eh?
I’m impressed. Wow. Send some energy over here 😉
Re: comments (of course!)
Yep, I have a day job. I’m a corporate computer drone. I actually like my day job, which helps. It’s well nigh impossible for a short fiction writer (well, any writer for that matter) to survive solely off their writing income. And even with the bigger sales I’ve been making, I’d be starving, begging on the street corner for toner and postage if I tried to live off what I make from my stories.
“Wow. Send some energy over here“
Oof. I think I’m in short supply of that commodity right now. Catch me on an upswing . . .
Hey! Been awhile… remember me?
So, have you sold a lot of stories now? How many magazines have you sold to? Still mostly fantasy/horror type stuff, or do you do a lot of different styles? Where do you find your markets? Writers Market have everything, you think? Or do you find more obscure markets in other places?
God, I hate how little writing I manage to get done. And I work on novels more than stories, which results in no immediately sellable material. But I’ve gotten to the point now where I have a few stories I’ve sent out to circulate and try to sell.
Good lord, I thought you’d disappeared off the face of the Earth! Welcome back from your hiatus.
“So, have you sold a lot of stories now?“
“How many magazines have you sold to? “
Um, most of my sales have been to magazines, but I’ve also made sales to anthologies and online ‘zines. I’ve also got a chapbook published by Scrybe Press out. Recently made sales to Realms of Fantasy and The Third Alternative which makes me giddy with happiness. I’m also at seven sales to the Cricket Magazine group, which is fabu. My full bibliography, if you want all the details, can be found at my website eugiefoster.com.
“Still mostly fantasy/horror type stuff, or do you do a lot of different styles?“
All genre works, although I write a wide range within the genre from children’s folktales, to hard science fiction, to erotic horror.
“Where do you find your markets?“
Ralan.com is my favorite resource, but I use about half a dozen listings regularly.
“Writers Market have everything, you think?“
You mean the hard-copy edition? My God, that thing is obsolete as soon as it hits print. No way I’d consult (much less fork out money for) something that unreliable. Nah, I use free, online listings.
“Or do you find more obscure markets in other places?“
Check out my website for links to various market listings.
Not the hardcopy! I use the online service. But I have not had too much need for it, as I’ve only recently gotten a couple of stories to a point I’d call finished. So I haven’t worked with it enough to know how useful or lacking it may be.
Thanks for the other resources, though!